


clear the smoke from my lungs

by Vampires_Dont_Sleep



Series: I’ve Lived A Thousand Lives (this will be my last) [1]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender, Naruto
Genre: Adoptive Parent Hatake Kakashi, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Avatar & Benders Setting, Alternate Universe - Avatar (TV) Fusion, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Avatar Hatake Kakashi, Childhood Trauma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Firebender Uchiha Sasuke, Fluff, Gen, Hatake Kakashi Is Trying, Hurt/Comfort, If You Squint - Freeform, It happens, Kakashi is such a great mom in this, Kid Uchiha Sasuke, Now for the angsty tags, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Slow To Update, Sort Of, Trauma, Uchiha Massacre, Uchiha Sasuke-centric, and very sad, but a bit differently, but its not relevant in this fic, he takes in Sasuke after the massacre, hes like seven, oh that reminds me, or mentioned, probably, this is kinda a prequel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 06:35:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28346991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vampires_Dont_Sleep/pseuds/Vampires_Dont_Sleep
Summary: Sasuke is very young when his world crashes and burns.(He meets Kakashi a week later)
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi & Uchiha Sasuke
Series: I’ve Lived A Thousand Lives (this will be my last) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2075958
Comments: 19
Kudos: 85





	clear the smoke from my lungs

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [I'm Not Your Protagonist (I'm Not Even My Own)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24782971) by [adolescentlycan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/adolescentlycan/pseuds/adolescentlycan), [dogloser](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dogloser/pseuds/dogloser). 



> So this AU wasn’t exactly inspired by dogloser and adolescentlycan’s story (I started planning mine before I found I’m not your protagonist (I’m not even my own)) , but their story is fabulous and amazing and you should definitely check it out. 
> 
> TW: panic attack, vomiting (not graphic), murder (not graphic), fire

Sasuke Uchiha is very young when his entire world crashes and burns. He is seven, and his brother tells him to leave the house for a while. 

He says, “Sasuke, go play outside, I need to discuss something with our parents.”

So Sasuke goes, because the Fire Nation is his universe, and his family is his world, but Itachi is his sun. 

But he doesn’t go and play a silly game or something, because Sasuke isn’t a little kid.

Instead, Sasuke goes to his favorite meditation spot, a grassy cliff overlooking a waterfall, and sits down with his legs crossed. He forms the flame with his hands (just like his brother told him to!) and focuses on his breathing.

Time is fluid, and it slips through Sasuke’s hands like a thousand threads. Before he knows it, his flame is clouding his view of the sky, and hours have passed. Of course, the minute he notices the strength of his fire, his surprise breaks through his concentration, and the flame sputters out. 

“Aw, man!” Sasuke pouts, blowing his bangs away from his sweaty forehead.

He heads back to his house.

He is five minutes away when he starts smelling the smoke.

Sasuke starts running. 

He finds their burnt corpses, can tell what used to be his mother. Everything ( every _ one _ ) is ash, and for a few seconds, minutes,  _ hours _ , he can’t breath. He chokes on the stench of burned flesh, and spirals.

(They find Sasuke curled up in the middle of where his house used to be; he is so covered in soot they almost miss him. Itachi’s body is never found).

He meets Kakashi for the first time just a week later.

Kakashi looks at Sasuke, who has empty eyes rimmed red from crying, with a solemn look in his only visible eye. 

Sasuke thinks of the medic who found him. She’d checked him for injuries, hiding worry behind a comforting smile. Kakashi doesn’t smile. He just puts a hand on his shoulder gently, looks him in the eye, and speaks very quietly.

“You’ll be staying with me for a while, Sasuke,” he says, “Thank you for being so strong.”

Sasuke cries himself to sleep in the guest room of Kakashi’s apartment, and thinks that he really isn’t very strong at all. 

+++

When he wakes up the apartment is silent, and Kakashi has already left.

There is a note on the kitchen table that says  _ good morning _ , and it is sitting next to a plate of sliced tomatoes (his favorite food). The note is hastily written, no care in the messy scrawl, and Sasuke stares at it apathetically. He sits down in the chair pulled out for him, and eats in silence, trying to breathe around the way every bite turns to ash in his mouth. 

Kakashi’s kitchen is small and clean, and smells strongly of disinfectant, not a single hint of actual cooking in the air. The floor is polished wood, and the single overhead light reflects in the finish. The walls are light gray, with a dark mahogany door leading to the hallway that connects Kakashi’s apartment.

There is a large indentation in front of him, a gouge in the wall a foot away from the door. He stares at it while he chews, imagining how it could have possibly come to be.

His plate is empty, and he heads back to his room.

“How did you know my favorite food?” He asks at dinner, and Kakashi’s answer surprises him.

“I worked with your brother,” he says simply,” and all he ever talked about was you.” 

Sasuke didn’t know that, didn’t even know that Itachi had a job, and disappointment curls in his stomach. He thought that he and his brother talked about everything, but Itachi was hiding things the entire time. 

Kakashi puts down his chopsticks and gives Sasuke a serious look. “They’ve made some new discoveries about what happened to your family,” Kakashi says to him, “I’m actually not supposed to tell you this, but I think you deserve to know. The fire wasn’t an accident; a firebender murdered your family. It was a massacre.”

Sasuke remembers that he’ll never be able to tell Itachi anything again, because they’re all dead.

“It’s alright,” Kakashi tells him, “it’s okay to cry.”

Sasuke realizes he’s crying, and blinks his eyes rapidly. Everyone he knew was dead, and someone in the world was happy of that fact, had  _ killed  _ his family. Someone had made the decision to end their lives. 

A sob tears through his esophagus, and he covers his mouth. Tears are welling in his eyes, and his throat convulses in his effort to stay silent. His mouth feels strange and metallic, bile in the back of his throat.

Kakashi puts a hand on his shoulder, then wraps his arms around Sasuke. “I’m sorry that you have to go through this,” he whispers.

(The only person who used to hold him when he was upset was his mom. She would cuddle him to her chest and wipe away his tears, and smile the  _ brightest smile.  _ His mother’s voice was kind, in the higher ranges but  _ oh so soft _ , light with happiness as she said  _ Sasuke, there’s no need to cry, everything will be alright. I’m here for you _ . 

Sasuke finds himself glad that Kakashi’s voice is lower, and that with his mask on he can’t see what his expression is. 

He doesn’t offer many assurances either, and Sasuke can’t help but think that it’s because they would be lies; nothing will go right ever again. His mother had said  _ I’m here for you _ , but that was a  _ lie,  _ and Sasuke hates liars but  _ loves  _ Mom and he- he doesn’t know how to live with this. This, this terrible  _ weight _ that makes it so he can’t get up in the mornings. Kakashi’s voice is completely different from his moms, but the softness is there. The  _ kindness  _ is there, and that alone is enough to make Sasuke’s chest tight with longing. Sasuke would give  _ anything _ to see his family again, but nothing will ever be enough).

+++

Sasuke doesn’t really mind Kakashi, but he can’t like him either, because Kakashi seems to have his life together. He has friends, a job, and Sasuke has never seen him cry. 

He knows adults need to be strong in front of kids, but Sasuke doesn’t understand how Kakashi can tell him it’s alright and look at him like he  _ understands _ , and then get up the next day and make breakfast with a smile.

How can you smile when everything is _ wrong wrong wrong,  _ and nothing anyone can say will make it right? Kakashi seems perfectly alright, so it’s clear that he  _ doesn’t  _ understand, and that means he’s  _ lying.  _ Sasuke hates liars.

Sasuke is  _ surrounded _ by liars, and he doesn’t know what to do. Every time he breathes he can taste ash and smell smoke. He can’t sleep because all he can see when he closes his eyes are burnt corpses. There’s something wrong with him, something that’s making him weak.

Sasuke doesn’t even know what he  _ can  _ do.

+++

Sasuke wakes up from a nightmare with a scream clenched between his teeth, and he is  _ dying _ .

He can’t think, he can’t move,  _ he can’t breathe,  _ because his entire world crashed and burned two weeks ago, and he went down along with it. He is aimless, just broken pieces and sharp edges drowning in a pile of ashes.

He gasps sharply, and tastes ash on his tongue. His legs are shaking, but he manages to stumble his way to the bathroom. 

Sasuke tries to make it to the toilet, but he collapses, emptying his stomach into the sink. His throat constricts and he wheezes. 

He tries to breathe through his nose, smells burned flesh, and slips to the floor, dry heaving. He claws at his throat with one hand, covering his nose and mouth with the other. 

He feels dizzy from lack of oxygen, but at least he doesn’t smell anything other than Kakashi’s lavender detergent.

Sasuke’s face feels wet, and his throat is sore, and it’s only now that he realizes he’s crying.

The bathroom light switches on, and he distantly hears a panicked voice shout in surprise.

“Sasuke?!” 

Oh, it’s Kakashi, Sasuke thinks dazedly. His hands drop to the floor, and he suddenly feels a bone deep tiredness sink into him. 

He feels arms lift him up, and he sees a face full of worry before slipping away.

+++

Sasuke wakes up the next morning bundled into a pile of blankets, smelling something delicious.

The first thought he has is that he finally saw Kakashi without a mask. Kakashi without a mask looked a lot like Kakashi with a mask, but you could see his emotions more clearly. Sasuke doesn’t get the mask thing.

There’s a knock on his door. He makes a noise of affirmation, and it slowly opens, revealing a very worried looking Kakashi.

“Are you alright? I think you might’ve had a panic attack, or something,” Kakashi says gently, and it’s strange because Kakashi usually just sounds tired.

Sasuke nods, and slowly untangles himself from the pile of blankets. He stands up and asks, “What are you cooking?”

Kakashi’s face lights up a bit and he gives Sasuke an eye smile. “Well, I know your favorite food is tomatoes, so I’ve been asking around for good recipes, since I don’t know any. It’s called  _ spaghetti. _ ” Kakashi replies, “It’s basically noodles with a tomato sauce.”

Sasuke frowns, “That doesn’t seem like a breakfast food.”

Kakashi tells him it’s actually lunchtime, and Sasuke is surprised. He blinks, and he’s sitting at the kitchen table, a plate in front of him. He stares at his plate, and slowly raises his utensil. He pauses, puts it back down again, and instead asks a question. 

“Why do you wear a mask?”

Kakashi finishes serving himself, and sits down in front of Sasuke. He’s silent for a moment, before he answers. “There are a lot of reasons. I look very similar to my father, and sometimes seeing my own face brings back painful memories,” he says carefully.

Sasuke imagines looking just like his brother, and having to look in the mirror everyday, staring face to face with a ghost (he might be starting to get the mask thing). 

And all of a sudden, it hits Sasuke that Kakashi has never told him his last name. He pulls up a distant memory of his mother talking about someone named Kakashi Hatake.

_ “Did you hear? Sakumo Hatake’s son, Kakashi returned after ten years of traveling. He went all over the world, mastering his firebending along the way,” Mikoto, his mother, had whispered. Her friend had gasped, leaning forward. “Sakumo Hatake? As in the disgraced White Fang of the Fire Nation? I thought he killed himself about that many years ago…” _

The rest of the conversation had been too quiet for Sasuke to hear. 

“Hatake?”

Kakashi looks completely relaxed. “That is my name,” he concedes easily. They fall silent, and Sasuke picks back up his chopsticks. 

(The  _ spaghetti  _ is delicious).

+++

It is the day before winter officially starts and frost already coats the thin blades of wilted grass under Sasuke’s bedroom window. He can hear the  _ drip drip  _ of water falling from the gutter, evidence of the previous night’s storm. It is a familiar sight, and an even more familiar sound, yet something feels amiss. He flops back down, snuggling into his pillow.

Rays of sun filter through his partially open curtains, filling him with a sort of warmth (the cold is still there, in his heart, but in this quiet moment, it only lingers. A whisper in his ear, instead of a Komodo rhino sitting atop his chest, slowly suffocating the life out of him).

It’s at least nine in the morning, and Kakashi is usually at his door by eight to wake him up and tell him breakfast is ready. 

Sasuke frowns at the break in routine. He slowly rises into a sitting position, his turtle-duck patterned blanket pooling at his waist. The dark blue pajamas he wears are wrinkled, and he mentally makes a note to tell Kakashi about it. Maybe he could ask him to get a dinosaur plushie too (Itachi gave him one, and Sasuke had taken it everywhere, before it got turned to ash in the fir...in the Thing).

He hears a creak, immediately recognizing it as the sound of the front door being swung open. He doesn’t actually hear the door close, and he thinks it’s nice that Kakashi would try to be quiet in case he was still sleeping.

Sasuke turns his body, setting his feet on the floor. His feet sink into the plush carpeting, and he wiggles his toes. He pushes himself off the bed, dragging the blanket with him. He drapes it around himself, carefully making certain it doesn’t hang to the floor. Wrapping it around his neck, snuggling in to make up for lost warmth, Sasuke shuffles to the door, reaching for the knob.

Sasuke pulls the door open, revealing Kakashi, who stands with his hand raised to knock on the now open door, looking surprised.

“Ah. Good morning, Sasuke, I see you’re already awake,” he says, his visible eye turning into a crescent. Sasuke looks up at Kakashi and asks, “Where were you?”

“I went to the bank to get some funds,” he answers.

“Why?” 

Even with his mask, Sasuke can tell he is grinning. Kakashi’s eye creases further, the lines around his face deepening (even if they are practically nonexistent to begin with).

“We’re going shopping!” he exclaims cheerfully.

“ _ Why. _ ”

+++ 

Sasuke remembers Before, when he’d would go shopping with his mother. She would always buy him the 90 yen Water Tribe candies he loved so much. They weren’t too sweet, and sucking on them helped Sasuke concentrate while meditating. He hasn’t meditated since Before.

As Sasuke wonders where his outside clothes are, he realizes that he hasn’t left Kakashi’s house since the Thing. He opens his mouth to ask Kakashi-

Sasuke finds himself dressed, and closing the door behind him as he walks into the sunlight. Everything feels impossibly bright, and his eyes ache from the strain. 

Kakashi puts a hand on Sasuke’s arm, gently steering him to the right. Together, they make their way to a general store near the apartment. They’re in a different part of town than where Sasuke is used to, and everything feels different and new. Even the sun seems strange and glaring, harsh against his pale skin.

The doors to the store are painted a dark green, but the paint is faded, chipping at the handles. It is nothing like the sleek metal doors and multiple stories of where the Uchiha shopped, and Sasuke is glad. 

The interior is small and cluttered, the wooden shelves bursting with miscellaneous items. He sees a picture frame teetering on the flat side of a katana and winces. If his father knew that he’d even set foot in a place like this, he is sure there would be multiple harsh training sessions to endure.

But...Sasuke doesn’t have to worry about training with his father anymore, because he’s dead.

(The relief he feels at the thought is acid in his veins.)

“Oi! Eiyako-chan,” Kakashi raises his arm in greeting, “ do you have any alarm clocks?” 

The cashier (Eiyako?) narrows her eyes at the silver haired man, before begrudgingly pointing to the far back of the shop. “If you go to the left corner, you’ll probably find some pillows and shi-,” she spares a glance at Sasuke, “stuff.”

Kakashi gives her a cheerful nod, then beckons for Sasuke to follow him. Sasuke rushes to his side, hissing “Why are you actually following her directions? She said  _ pillows _ , not alarms.” He shakes his head, “And besides, why are you even getting a clock? Did yours break or something?”

The masked man gives him an eye smile. “It’s for you,” he tells him. Sasuke blinks. 

“Why do I need an alarm clock?”

“I can’t wake you up everyday, you know,” Kakashi pouts, “The Fire Lord gave me some time off to get you settled, but missio- um, work has been piling up. I won’t be in the house at all tomorrow, so you’ll be needing this.” 

He picks up a bright orange alarm clock that was hung on the wall with a nail, and Sasuke’s stomach sinks.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if this ends upruptly, but I kinda just wanted to get this out for some feedback. I also kinda lost a bit of inspiration, and comments motivate me like nothing else. The next chapter will be out eventually, but I’m not sure when exactly. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed <3


End file.
